I got a call from my father in law yesterday. He was worried that my recent blog entries had been too “angry” and that anger doesn’t suit me well on a number of fronts. I would have to say that I agree.
This is a frustrating disease. As I have said countless times Multiple Myeloma is a very individual Cancer. There are many different presentations. There are many different courses of treatment based on those presentations and risk factors. There is no ONE WAY to win this war. What frustrates me is that we had chosen the way for ME to win and my path got tripped up. I can’t let that get to me. I have a long way to go – BUT – ultimately I will get there and WIN.
I said that Cancer would fight me in many different ways. It fights me in the body and it messes with my mind. Last week Cancer fought back through the bureaucratic red tape of a large corporation. Last week Cancer won that mini battle but today and in the future my state of mind is back on track and dedicated to the things that matter most.
As frustrated as I am that I can’t get what I want (for no reasonable explanation whatsoever) I have to look at the SILVER LINING in it all. I just got my stem cell mobilization drug Neupogen in the mail the other day along with a few other drugs. I laughed when the pharmacy told me the copay was $150 for each of the three drugs. How many people have a $150 copay on their medication? The thing is though – those drugs cost $21,000! Out of $21,000 my portion is only $450. THAT is a SMALL price to pay. THAT is a SILVER LINING! I have insurance and they do cover the bulk of my treatment. My chemotherapy costs tens of thousands of dollars per month and my MAXIMUM out of pocket for that is $5000 annually. THAT is a SILVER LINING.
I just want it to get done. My frustration lies in the bureaucracy in my way in order to be able to do that. In a few months I will have a stem cell transplant. In a few months I have the opportunity to hit the RESET button on my life. To begin life again with new cells – without Myeloma – IF IT WORKS. And I want my new life to start NOW! It’s like in the movie When Harry Met Sally. Billy Crystal says to Meg Ryan:
“When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.”
That’s where I am at. I want the rest of my life to start as soon as possible. My life is great. Even with Cancer I wouldn’t trade places with anyone else in the world. I’ve got a great family, great friends, great coworkers, colleagues and clients. I want to extend that life as far as I can. Starting NOW.