I coach basketball for my 10 year old Victor. We are a pretty good team. 11- 1 in one league, 5-1 in the other. This week we played in a tournament. We are playing against some really good teams. We lost on Monday and we lost this morning as well. This morning I lost as well.
I coach. I work at a pretty high level and pretty demanding hours. I am a husband. I am a dad. I have cancer. I have chemo every Friday and Saturday. It’s a lot to manage. It’s especially a lot to manage when you want to be the BEST, the absolute BEST at all of them.
I typically don’t yell. This year in coaching it has been different. I don’t know if my expectations are too high because of our record. I don’t know if its because we have a goofy team. These kids have fun – so much fun together – that I don’t get on them for goofing around in practice because they win. AND … they are great kids. I love them. I don’t know if this year is different because I am taking a steroid on Friday and Saturday (Dexamethasone) that screws me up. All I know is I have to CONTROL it.
We played horribly this morning. We didn’t convert lay ups. We didn’t pass the ball well. We took errant shots and we were 5-20 from the free throw line. STILL – we only lost by 5 points – against a really good team. I LOST IT at halftime. I LOST TODAY. The boys lost because I lost. They deserve better from me.
I mentioned earlier in this blog that having cancer gave me PERSPECTIVE. PERSPECTIVE on what really matters in life, in love, in my day to day interactions. My numbers have been great. 81% remission. On the track for (dare I even mention) complete remission. I can’t let my PERSPECTIVE have an inverse relationship to my numbers. PERSPECTIVE needs to stay with me. FOREVER. No excuses on that one. What I have learned by facing my own mortality has made me stronger, kinder (I hope) and more tolerant. That CANNOT CHANGE.
I also posted about never spiking the ball. Cancer will come back again after remission. That’s not an if, it’s a when. That’s how Multiple Myeloma operates. I can control my destiny (to a certain extent) by keeping the PERSPECTIVE I changed because I am facing this disease.
While I would love to blame the steroids, I can’t. I screwed up today. We play again tonight – I will gather the boys in a circle pre game and apologize. Basketball is fun. Especially when you are 10 years old. Today I lost that PERSPECTIVE and as a consequence we lost the game. It won’t happen again.
The greatest team in the world … below … Westfield White!